The Swamp
July 2018

We all know about “The Swamp” by now (THANKS TRUMP!). Millions of government employees ravaging the nation, plaguing us with their bureaucratic nonsense from sea to shining sea.

Have you ever wondered what these people do though? Or, more importantly, what they are hired to do? Buddy Walker has been doing some research work on federal government positions: what they pay, the skills required, and the responsibilities given to these workers. Without a doubt, some jobs are more important than others, but some may just be completely useless to those of us who have to pay for their existence.

Take a moment to check out our “Swamp Job of the Week” and see if YOU have what it takes to commence a “career” in the civil service!

Before embarking on your own journey, don’t forget to do some homework in the process. You may find the work environment too hostile or stressful when you have to face hardships such as:

-Oh, and how can I forget: If you are liked by your supervisors, you can have your student loans forgiven after 10 years of service. No more Sallie Mae payments for you!

Scant benefits from the taxpayers’ pockets, I know. But how many of us don't have a $100,000 degree in gender theory we have to pay off? Today you can become a Supervisory Senior International Affairs Specialist for the Agricultural Research Service! At a measly annual salary of $114,590, you can help lead this international research program by working on activities such as “Conduct(ing) analyses of international programs/projects and continually monitors organizational performance to ensure resources are optimally allocated” while working on “mutually benefical” research projects with bureaucrats in other countries! A globalist’s dream job, for sure!

Who knows, if you end up good enough at the job, maybe you can be one of the USDA employees making 208,000 dollars a year! These longtime swamp people make even more than their boss, the Secretary of Agriculture himself!

So, consider slothing it up with the rest of the swamp, and head on down to Maryland for one great, purposeful, superior to the private sector government gig!

Oh, and in this case, “Gig” means lifetime employment you can never get fired from!

Other Proposed jobs: Oh, let’s look at this beautiful opportunity as a HUMAN RESOURCES SPECIALIST for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Oh yes, you get to help implement regulations on business owners nationwide and get a starting salary of $114,590 a year! Of course, with difficult tasks such as having “Ability to ensure the simultaneous completion of multiple assignments within established time frames,” I’m sure no private sector slug could figure out how to work as a human resources specialist in the lovely swamp. The General services Administration is a favorite for me to job hunt. So many useless jobs here! This one is a PROGRAM MANAGEMENT OFFICER who will overlook different IT applications from either a Boston, San Diego, or Swamp (DC) location. You get to choose! Starting salary: $134,01,1 with slight differences by location. Remember, government jobs give you additional money when you live in a more expensive area (no wonder DC is becoming an unaffordable metro area; the bureaucrats will get more cash!). Well, here's a job that definitely has purpose, but one has to question how many of these people we need. An OPERATIONS RESEARCH ANALYST for the US Navy Systems Management Activity is seeking a statistician of sorts to help them determine cost projections and life cycles of their current defense items. A top secret clearance is used for this position, so please, only use your private home servers if they are stored in your bathroom! Starting Salary: $94,707, with the potential for further advancement of course. Yes, the joy it is to be a Division Administrator for the Federal Highway Administration, part of the Deprartment of Transportation! As the summary says, “This position is perfect for an experienced mid to late career Federal Highway Administration employee with Federal-Aid or Federal Lands Highway management and leadership experience,” so, if you’ve been lurking in the swamp for awhile, this may be the time to try something bigger and better! Multiple vacancies in over 30 locations make this job open for many overeducated liberals to gain even more white collar comfort! And, just wait, look at that beautiful starting salary: $119,285 (and the chance to make even more if you just sit there for a few years!). Become a Safety and Occupational Health Specialist! You get to work for the Smithsonian facilities and use all that fulfilling knowledge about OSHA, National Fire Protection Administration codes, and EPA regulations to teach people how to have common sense! Along with a sense of higher purpose, this position provides quite a nice starting salary too: $68,036! You do need to have a Ph.D. or similar educational progress though. Have fun!

Buddy Walker
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